


I Breathe You In To Fall Asleep

by Dylanobrienisbatman



Series: The 100 Season 5 [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 6 years and 7 days, A short little Clarke POV inspired by an ask i saw on tumblr, Angst, Canon Compliant, Clarke loves Bellamy and this is how I imagine she deals with that, F/M, FYI, Fluff, Hiatus fic, Love Confessions, Post-Season/Series 04, but its in the partner fic!, but she misses bellamy the most, clarke alone on the ground, clarke and bellamy are in love, clarke is very lonely and misses her friends, i love them so much can't they just be together, the love confession isn't in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-11-13 21:44:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11194047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dylanobrienisbatman/pseuds/Dylanobrienisbatman
Summary: Clarke finds herself alone on the ground, and the idea of facing 5 years alone on a radiation soaked planet is really messing with her head. If she starts calling out to Bellamy every day, well, its just to keep her sane. And if she manages to work out what she really feels along the way, well... sometimes all you really need to find out what really matters is to loose it all.





	I Breathe You In To Fall Asleep

She had been alone, on the ground, since PraimFaya.

_____________________________________________________________

 

The first few days in Becca's lab had been the most excruciating days of her entire existence, without a doubt. The radiation wave left boils and blisters and ravaged skin across her body, seeping into her bones and leaving her broken and tired and burned beyond recognition, but the Nightblood had worked, and slowly but surely the boils shrunk, the burns healed, and the scars were all she had left of the agony in her past. But the real pain had only begun to bubble up when the last blister was closing and the tightness of her skin was just beginning to fade, and she realised she was completely and utterly, entirely and totally, heart wrenchingly  _alone._

About two weeks after Praimfaya, when she was finally able to use her hands well enough again to turn the dials and press the buttons on the com system, she toyed around with it for hours, just trying to reach  _someone, anyone._ She tried the bunker first, and got nothing but static, though she hadn't been that optimistic. She had seen Praimfaya wipe out the tower over Polis, to think a radio disk would have survived was naïve, really, but she tried a few times anyway, adjusting the frequency, spinning the dials, wishing Raven was there to direct her better, and eventually gave up. Her immediate next thought was to try the Ring, but part of her couldn't bear the thought of them not responding so soon after the crushing ache of loosing them, and being unable to contact her mother, so she let it be. She started trying to radio the ring about 2 weeks after she gave up on the bunker, but got nothing back. The first few days, she kept trying, even with no reply, she convinced herself it was out of desperation, hope he-  _they_ might respond, but eventually, after 3 weeks of calling out to the Ring with no response, she knew it was because she needed to talk to someone, anyone,  _him_ , and this was the closest she was going to get. 

So she called him, every day.

"Hello Bellamy"

"Hey Bellamy"

"Hi Bell"

"Good morning Bell"

"It rained black rain again today Bell, but the skies are less yellowed now" 

" _I miss you Bellamy Blake_ "

The message varied, sometimes she would talk to him all day, wandering around the Lab, and other times it was one short message, just hoping he might hear it, wanting to assure him she was alive just in case, but no matter the words, it was always the same meaning. She was calling out to her heart, and hearing nothing in return. 

She scavenged through the lab for as many scraps of food as she could find, and thanked whoever was out there that Becca had water storage in a radiation proof room, and waited out the storm. The monitors kept a running count of radiation levels, and after about 2 and a half months in the Lab, with her food supply dangerously low, the levels were low enough that with a patched up suit she could sprint to Murphy's bunker. She spent one night there, collecting whatever rations he had left behind, and a water filter system that she dug out from under the sink, and made the trek back to the lab, feeling the blister emerging on her skin through the openings in the patched suit.

She spent almost 6 months making the trek back and forth before the radiation stopped burning her skin through the patches, and she could bear to be outside in the less than perfect suit, the whole time heart breakingly alone. She eventually walked the length of the island to the house, only feeling mildly ill, to see if it had survived the wave, to find it standing almost perfectly on the hill. The water in the pool had long since evaporated in the fires, and the outside of the house was black with soot from the fires that burned the trees and brush around it, but it was there, sturdy as ever. The inside was about as radiation proof as the lab, but had a bed, a shower, and a kitchen, so she drug the machine that read radiation levels and the rest of her rationed food supply back to the house, taking trip after trip until she had moved everything but the water storage unit to the house. For that she needed the rover, which she had cautiously avoided since the storm. Something about it was too hard for her to cope with, maybe the memories attached with it, of each of her friends, so long gone now, but she needed it and couldn't put it off any longer. She rolled it out on a flat bed trolly, and heaved it into the back of the rover, strapping it down and inside as best she could, the doors left swinging open and the tail end of both tanks hanging off the back. She drove carefully, knowing shed never get it back on the bed if she lost it, taking almost twice as long as she probably needed to get to the house. And then she was there, all alone again. She messaged Bellamy daily still, with no answer, and the heaviness of it settled over her. Its dark in her mind for a while, and she isn't sure she ever really pulled out of it, so much as learned to live with the darkness. 

A year and 8 months after Praimfaya, the radiation levels in Arkadia are down enough that she could walk freely without her suit, so she packs food, a radiation water filter she built in Becca's lab (with the help of a super computer, of course), and her radio into the rover, with blankets and pillows from the bed and other supplies, and sets out to find a new home off this island that held so many memories of her last happy day. The first night in the rover is hard, sleeping in the blankets from the house and trying not to think of her friends. It takes her the entire day to get from the Island to Arkadia, and she tosses and turns the whole night. The nights don't get much better, so she busies herself. 

Digging through the remnants of the fallen Ark, she found some of the ship had survived, including some food stashed in the tightest corners, and clothes tucked away in closed drawers. She found the remains of who she could only imagine were the DNR group Bellamy had told her about. She stumbled upon Jasper's remains one day, trying to search through every nook and cranny for anything usable. She hadn't found much in the area he was in, because the doors and windows had been blown off in the fire Ilian set, but the room she found him in had been sealed, maybe by a gust of wind or by the hand of Monty, she would never know. She collected him, wrapping his remains in a sheet, snug around the bones he left behind, placing the googles she found near his feet in his ribs, and walked him to Mt Weather the next day. She had walked because she felt like it was penance for Maya, for the pain of Jaspers life, for all those who's lives were lost at her hand. She buried him by the gate. She did not know where Maya was buried, but close to her would be where he wanted to be, she hoped they were listening to music together wherever they were. She hoped they could forgive her for what she had done.

She trekked back to Arkadia, and settled deep into the blankets in the rover, finally ready to sleep, her muscles aching, when her hand brushed a rough texture she was not expecting. She pulled hard on the nylon strap, and out emerged a duffle bag. It must have been trapped under the driver side seat the entire time, because she hadn't seen it. Before she even opened it, she knew who it belonged too. Tears welled up in her eyes as she gently slid the zipper, and found what Bellamy had left behind. 

She radio'd him while she slowly sorted through, telling him about each thing she found. 

"Your stupid thigh holster, I'm glad you left that here, no need for guns in space Bell."

"Really Bellamy? A book? In a Go Bag?" 

"Your guard jacket, huh? You kept that? interesting choice Blake." (She had found that she said his name often, when she radio'd the ring. She would bother to question that thought later, she supposed. It probably meant something more then she was really quite willing to admit). 

And thats when she found it. Her fingers brush the worn, weather softened fabric, and she lifts it out, not looking at first, fiddling with the handle on the speaker of the radio, and she turns to see the blue colouring and almost looses it. The tears she had willed to stay in fell down her face, leaving streaks in the mud on her cheeks, as she starred helplessly at the blue shirt Bellamy had worn their first few days on the ground. Wells had taken it from the dead boys from the drop ship (how long ago those days seemed), and Bellamy had snatched it from him, trying to prove a point that they didn't need leadership, while somehow simultaneously demanding to be followed. How she had loathed him back then, how far they had come since then. She brought the shirt up to her face, almost hoping it wouldn't smell like him as much as she hoped it would, because the smell of him might be too much for her. She couldn't remember what he smelled like anymore, but she knew if she smelled that scent again it would all come rushing back. She inhaled slightly, and she was right. The soft, musky scent of him remained deep in the threads of the shirt, and her heart stuttered in her chest. 

"I love him", is the first thought that comes racing through her mind, clear as day.

Remembering his face was easy, it was burned into her mind, the patterns of his freckles ever present like the constellations in the stars.

Remembering their conversations was second nature, she played them over and over in her mind every single day.

Remembering his presence was innate, she felt him everywhere she went.

But remembering his smell? That was something else. His smell brought back his voice, and the feeling of his hand on her face the day he left. It was the smell of tucking her face into the curve where his shoulder met his neck when he held her close. It was the smell of him standing by her side, the wind blowing his curls and his scent swirling around her, it was  _home_. She wasn't sure when Bellamy Blake had become her home, it must have been a long time ago, and she'd like to say she was just realising it now, but she supposed she had always known. Mostly because acknowledging it felt like one of the truest things she had ever done. The tears flowed without stopping now, a steady stream, as she held the shirt close and smelled him over and over again. It may have been days that she sat there, or maybe minutes, she didn't know for sure. Eventually exhaustion overtook her, the sadness creeping into her bones, and she carefully tucked everything back into the bag, wanting to maintain the scent of him as long as possible, but she couldn't bring herself to put the shirt in. She zipped the bag, stowing it carefully back under the seat, and peeled her unclean shirt from her body, and her stiff, dirt caked pants, tossing them into the front seat, and pulling the blue shirt over her head. It was larger on her then she thought it would be, stretched from wear (though she supposed she was much thinner then the last time se had really paid much mind), and as soft as she hoped, and it enveloped her in his smell. As she breathed in the smell of him, she started to drift off to sleep, and dreamed sweet dreams of him for the first time in ages. 

She slept in the shirt once a week after that. The rest of the time she tucked it into the bag with the rest of his things, other clothes and jackets and such, to soak up the smell of him. The nights with the shirt were the best nights of her week, without contest. Sometimes she would wear his guard jacket at night, as it got colder, when she would go hunting. The earth was finally giving back to her again, after 2 years time spent in a radiation soaked forest. She had learned what plants were edible and which ones weren't and which ones contained roots that could be eaten. She had  **survived**. Someone might think she did it all on her own, but she survived because of the promise that maybe, someday, her heart might come back to her. She survived because of him. 

She finds a little girl, around the 2 year and month mark, and she cries into the radio to him, at the sheer joy of another human being. The girl is small, but she says she's 8 years old, but thats no surprise if she survived on her own for 2 full years without any help. Her name is Madi and she's a nightblood too, and she just as thrilled as Clarke to find another person, if wary at first. She teaches her about her friends, Emori and Echo, Raven and Harper, Lexa, the fierce commander that she had loved, Luna, the most peaceful soul she had ever known, the people in the bunker, and most of all, Bellamy. And once a week, she tucks little Madi into her chest, in the blue shirt, and sleeps soundly again. 

The smell starts to fade, even with her careful treatment, until one day the only thing that still smells like him is the heavy collar of the guard jacket. It takes almost 3 years from the day she finds it for that day to come, and even then, she swears the faint scent lingers in everything she does. She smell of her home, her love, her Bellamy. She radio's every single day, but she never mentions the shirt, and she wears the guard jacket to sleep sometimes, putting it on backwards to tuck her nose into the collar and breathe in the scent of him. 

5 years comes and goes, 5 and a half, 5 years and 9 months, 10 months, 11 months, 6 years... and he doesn't come down. She stopped saying they a long time ago, to herself at least. She knew they were all up there, but at the end of the day, she just wanted him back. The smell of him had faded entirely, and sometimes she wonders if he was ever really real at all. She still messages him every day, reminding him to come back down, to find her again, if he can. Through all the time he'd been gone she never doubted that he would come back to her. She never doubted that he had survived, because she knew she would feel it if he had. 

On day 2,199 she think's he has returned, but he hasn't, and a ship of unknown occupants emerge from the trees. She and Madi hide, and watch them explore the earth, reminiscent of her first day on the ground. 

And then, on day 2,204, when she and Madi had gone to Arkadia again to raid the seed bank, they turn in the evening sun to see a plume of smoke following a bright light shooting into the atmosphere. 

" _Can you wish on this kind of shooting star?" she asked him, pushing for an answer that told her who he was. He remained silent, and the irritation took over again. "Neve-"_

_"I wouldn't even know what to wish for." He said, firmly and with a touch of sadness._

Clarke knew exactly what to wish for this time. That night, she slept in the blue shirt, which she did most nights now that the smell was gone, because it felt like she was close to him even when he was so far (maybe not so far anymore. Maybe he's home!). In the morning, they set off in the direction of the plumes, about a 2 day trek from where they are now. 

She runs head on into Emori first, and Madi is already hiding behind a tree, and Clarke can't be bothered to mind for the moment because her face is so familiar. They scream and hug like children, and Murphy soon comes barrelling out of the forest and she lunges at him, spinning him around and around. She holds his face between her hands, like shes making sure he's real, and the words come tumbling out before she can stop them. 

"Where’s Bellamy? You have to take me too him! And Raven and Harper an-" Murphy grips her shoulders, and spins her around, and her voice is lost in her throat at the sight of him. He's on his knees in the dirt, his hair longer then she remembered, his skin paler from his time out of the sun, his eyes shinning with tears and relief, and suddenly they're running, and colliding, and then shes holding him again. His scent fills her nose, her mind goes white with pure and utter relief.

She can touch him again. Smell him again. Feel his curls under her fingers, he breathing under her chest, his skin under her hands. He was back, he IS back. They walk hand in hand, and move in tandem. When they see the others, she can only bear to move a few steps from him, and feels the immediate draw to return. She has to leave him for less than a day, but it feels like years, decades, centuries, until shes back and they're holding hands. They move into her cave with her and Madi, and in the night he can't find sleep and she only thinks of him, and so she takes him to the field where she taught Madi about them, and tells him the stories she told of him. He breathes the words first, like a question, and she breathes them back like an answer. They find each other in the moonlight, stars above be damned, and twin together back in the cave, finding sleep curled up in one another.

She is still wearing his blue shirt. Shes not sure if he noticed, she's sure she will tell him someday. But for now, for the first time in a long time, Clarke is home again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell with me about these idiots on [Tumblr](http://dylanobrienisbatman.tumblr.com/) if you want


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